Love, Sweet Love...

I had the idea to write a post like this a few days ago, and with today marking one month till Valentine's Day I figured... why not?  My boyfriend and I are approaching our third year (nearly two years of which we have been long distance) anniversary this upcoming week.  Recently, I began reflecting on, "What have I learned so far about being in a relationship?  What would I want to share with others about being in a relationship?"  Now, I am not a relationship expert or couples counselor by any stretch of the imagination, just a 21-year-old girl eager to share what she thinks.  So, here I go... here are the relationship dos and don'ts I have learned (so far):

DON'T: Keep relevant information from your partner.  Recently, my boyfriend, Tom, shared information about his past he had never shared before.  Now, without going into much detail, the news wasn't necessarily a deal breaker (obviously I'm still with him), but it still hurt.  With that said, my advice isn't to share everything and anything with your partner (realistically, they probably don't care what your 1st day of Kindergarten was like; or, every store you shopped at when you were at the mall), but share any information you think they would want to know.  Even if you're unsure if you should tell them, tell them.  And, remember: openness is the foundation of trustworthiness, and you can't have a relationship without trust!

DO: Know you won't like each other all the time.  Crazy, right?  Your partner with the great sense of humor, good tastes in music and food, who's very driven (and cute, too!) isn't perfect (and neither are you).  Once the honeymoon phase fades and you get into a routine with each other you realize there are some things they do that aren't necessarily your favorite.  "Really?  Are you just going to leave your socks on the floor like that?"  During times like these it is important to reflect back to all the reasons you do love your partner.  Like, when he surprises you and cooks you dinner, how well he gets along with your (super annoying) younger brother, how he lets you cry on your shoulder when you're having a bad day... and focus on those. After all, part of loving someone is loving all of them... the good and the not-so-good.  Only when the not-so-good outnumbers the good do you have a real problem.

DO: Know at some point you're going to have to be the bigger person.  Believe me, I know it's hard, but it's necessary.  If your significant lover lies to you, you can't lie to them just to "get back" at them.  This will put you both into a vicious cycle of trying to one-up the other person.  I know it seems godly right now, but you need to find it in yourself to look at the situation, realize all humans make mistakes, and then decide if you can forgive your partner for what they did.  If you can forgive them then you can begin to move on.  If you can't then you can begin to take the necessary steps to let them go.  This rule not only applies to something as large as your lover blatantly lying to you, but something as simple as a fight over where you both want to go for dinner.  At some point you may have to be the bigger person and say, "What am I fighting for?  Does it really matter?  I just want to eat.  He can pick where we go this time."

DO: Compromise.  I don't feel I really need to elaborate much here (I think it's fairly self-explanatory), but if you're in a relationship, believe it or not, you aren't single!  So, surprise, your decisions in life won't be the same as if you were single.  If you are serious about someone, and really want to be with them, there are going to be compromises along the way you are going to have to be willing to make.  But, believe me, if the person you are compromising with (thus, making sacrifices for) is worth it to you, then the love you two share will outweigh any other decision you could have made.  After a while it won't even feel like you are compromising with them, you will just make certain decisions naturally because you want to be with them (and that's actually a very beautiful thing).

 

DON'T: Stop communicating with your partner.  As a Communication Studies major, of course I am going to champion communication as a fundamental aspect of any relationship.  But, seriously, when you consider trust is based on honesty, and honesty is exemplified through openness, you can see how communication is essential.  You can't tell someone the truth if you won't talk to them.  Similarly, you can't be open with someone you don't communicate with.  Additionally, any fight I have ever gotten into with Tom has escalated 10X worse than it ever needed to when one of us shut down - or stonewalled (read more here) - the other.  In such instances, there is no communication, and an argument that should have lasted only 5 minutes ends up lasting 2 hours.

DON'T: Think your partner can read your mind.  I know, I know... you're soul mates, aren't you?  How it is even possible your partner can't tell what you're thinking at every moment of every day?  This is insanity!  Well, guess what... it's true.  And you're going to run into a lot of trouble if you go around thinking your partner just knows you so well and knows exactly how you're feeling at every given moment.  "Why would he say that to me?!  Doesn't he know I'm very upset and insecure right now?!" ...actually, he probably doesn't.  "Doesn't she know I want to get Italian for dinner, not sushi again!" ...no again.  Unless you tell your partner what's on your mind there is no way for them to know for sure what you're thinking.  Of course, it is true that after you have been involved with someone for a while you do get used to their baseline behaviors, or how they usually act.  However, just because your boyfriend knows not to crowd you if you're feeling a little hormonal, or you know not to pester him when he's tired, does not mean your partner is psychic 100% of the time.  Seriously, tell them how you're feeling.  You'll both breathe easier.

DON'T: Give up yourself.  So, although I already made a point that compromise is important in any good relationship, and that you can't go around acting like you're single when clearly you're not, you still need to find time for yourself; and you still need to do things you love to do.  I know this is hard, especially when you are so wrapped up with your partner and love spending time with them (seriously, that's a good thing).  But, really, not giving yourself room for things you want to do (and giving your partner space, too) is a big no-no.  Making him watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians with you on Sunday instead of letting him watch football (like he wants) is shooting yourself in the foot in your relationship.  The most beautiful aspect of any good relationship is the two people involved want to be together.  So, let him play his video games and watch his favorite sports teams, and let yourself go shopping and watch reality TV.  At first it may appear as though you are sacrificing quality time with your partner, but, in the end, when you're both individually fulfilled the time you'll end up spending together will be more enjoyable, and more cherished.

DON'T: Give up on someone you can't stand the thought of losing (ever).  Very cliché (I know) but extremely important.  Think about your partner right now.  Think about them kissing and being in love with someone who isn't you.  How does that feel?  We all get mad at our partners and they get mad at us, too.  However, at the end of the day you have to know what you stand to lose without them so you know how hard you're willing to fight for them.  Don't let an argument over who didn't unload the dishwasher ruin a relationship with someone you consider to be the best thing that has ever happened to you.  Don't let one stupid mistake they made destroy the entire future you had planned with them.  Have standards, yes (don't let anyone degrade you), but also don't let the fogginess of your emotions at one moment misguide you from what you know when you can see clearly: the amount of love you have for your partner.

So, now that I am done writing this I can say I have definitely been guilty of doing the "don't"s and not doing the "do"s (that's how I learned them).  However, one additional thing I have learned about being in a relationship after 3 years is relationships are work.  The people in them change and the relationships themselves change (from just dating to committed to moving in together to married), and, as such, they are constantly in motion.  Relationships, like the people involved, aren't perfect.  This isn't completely an unfortunate fact, though, when you consider imperfection makes us work even harder.  Imperfect relationships make us want to strive to make them better, making us better people in the process.  At the end of the day what's important is to acknowledge our faults, and try better in the future.  In turn, making our relationships stronger, and giving us love and happiness for a lifetime + more.

~Hugs & Besos~